Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
