For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
