she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
