I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
