Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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