I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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