Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
