I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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