I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
