i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
