She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
