i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
