i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my shit smells like andre
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
