i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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