mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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