you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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