Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Randomize
