I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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