when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
