Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
