I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
zippers are such a cool invention
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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