dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
