This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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