For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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