My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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