Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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