I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
