Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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