he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
