So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
