Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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