I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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