You can't motorboat a personality
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
