Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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