saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize