guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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