these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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