Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
