The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
