I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I did not marry a roomba.
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