you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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