i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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