he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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