look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
