i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Text me some of your sweat
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