The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize