Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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