i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
