he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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