I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize