so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
