John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My vagina is officially offended.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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