Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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