can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm always down for nudity.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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