My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Someone came in the potted fern
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
