dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
