hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
