I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize